


'cause I am quiet now (and silence gives you space)

by itsinthescars



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: How Do I Tag, Introspection, M/M, Neil Centric, Selective Mute Neil Josten, i just enjoy hurting neil do not sue me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:14:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26252482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsinthescars/pseuds/itsinthescars
Summary: Neil Josten just gets quiet sometimes. It’s okay, it’s fine.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 8
Kudos: 160





	'cause I am quiet now (and silence gives you space)

**Author's Note:**

> the formatting is horrible because I had a fight to the death with ao3 and I lost

Neil Josten just gets quiet sometimes. It’s okay, it’s fine. ( ~~it’s always fine though, isn’t it?)~~

It was normal to not speak a lot while on the run, his mother’s patience was already so thin and he could only get smacked on the mouth so many times before he learnt his lesson.  
( **lesson number one** : rings fucking hurt)

The silence wasn’t all that comfortable but he guessed it was better than the alternative. He wasn’t that much of a talker anyway, he had already been trained to not make any sound at a really young age.  
(reminder: rings were nothing compared to his father) 

And making sounds would attract people’s attention, and if they want to stay alive they cant have that. And it’s not like he has someone to talk to. Or something to talk about, later on.

At first it’s hard, at first it takes a conscious effort for him to follow the rules ( **do not speak when not asked to** , **do not make any sound** , **do not let others hear you** )  
He should be used to it, they’re the same rules he had to follow at home after all, but he’s just a boy and when his mother gets them both out he dares to hope.

He was wrong.

It’s hard until it isn’t anymore. He gets used to it. He learns. He adjusts.  
It wasn’t all that easy at first though, but turns out broken ribs make a great incentive.  
( **lesson number two** : he’s trying to survive, he shouldn’t be so greedy to want a life, too)

One day he wakes up and his voice is dead in his throat. He can almost physically feel it, an emptiness where his voice box should be. He knows that if he were to open his mouth absolutely no sound would come out. He doesn’t panic. It doesn’t feel real enough to. ( _he doesn’t feel real enough to_ )

The day goes by, his mother not even once speaking to him so the problem doesn’t arise. All considered, running for your life is a much quieter affair than one would think. The next day that emptiness is gone. He still doesn’t have any will to speak though. He doesn’t.  
(it’s fine, his mother is much more pleased that way)

It keeps going like that, some days worse than others (turns out his mother gets really angry when you leave a question unanswered, no matter the reason why) (and how would he explain that his throat is broken anyway?)

His voice is dead in his throat but it’s not like he feels that much alive either way.

Then his mother dies and it’s only blood and harsh words spat through gritted teeth and _blood_ _god so much blood  
_Then it’s fire and heat and the disgusting smell of burnt flesh. There’s a deafening ringing in his ears.  
Then it’s like waking up and realizing he had blackened out and walked almost 10km and there’s still blood coated sand on his hands and the smell of death in his nostrils and smoke in his lungs and he just stops and throws up on the side of the street in the middle of nowhere. It tastes like ashes.

Then he’s alone and not talking becomes normal, who would he talk to anyway?  
(He never stops to think about it, but sometimes he startles at the sound of his own voice)

He’s on his own now though and a lone person that doesn’t speak sometimes attracts as much attention as someone that says weird things, so he learns how to not talk too much nor too little, not too loud or too quiet. Just enough to appear absolutely normal and, most importantly, forgettable.  
So he adjusts, once again. Even if sometimes the words take a little too much to get out, he learns how to work around it. Even if it means yanking them out by force. Sometimes he foolishly thinks they leave wounds on the way out. Maybe he’s just too used to taste of blood in his mouth.

(The days his voice is dead in his throat he just doesn’t show up, he wouldn’t be able to utter a word either way— it’s not that hard to not go out, he doesn’t always have the will to keep going)

Then there’s the foxes and the problem gets pushed aside because he’s Neil Josten now and Neil Josten doesn’t have a broken throat. Neil Josten is a person and not a dead boy running.

It’s not like he’s famous for being talkative, he can deal with it. They’re a bunch of misfits too, they know to not expect normalcy. It’s all lies anyway, what he tells them. Lies aren’t all that much better than silence. Somewhat the silence feels less suffocating with them around, though.

Actually sometimes Neil Josten tries this sick little game where he doesn’t shut up at all, especially when he really should. It feels good in a self-destructive kind of way.

Then there’s Andrew, but it’s not like he keeps Neil around for his pretty voice. He seems to prefer when his mouth is otherwise occupied. Neil likes it too.

Then there’s Lola and he’s going to die anyway,

Then there’s his uncle and the one that dies is his father,  
  
Then there’s the FBI and he’s Nathaniel and

Neil Josten is gone.

Hearing his own name hurts more than not having a name at all.

Andrew, _the foxes_ , want to keep Neil Josten around, for some reason. Even if Neil Josten is fake, a lie. Even if he’s empty, even if he’s silent.  
He doesn’t want to be a soundless music box anymore. He’s tired.  
He fights to keep Neil Josten with them.

He succeeds. More or less.

Turns out all your trauma doesn’t go away overnight just because you changed your name.

The dead boy running gave himself a name and he’s not running anymore but sometimes his voice still dies in his throat.

But it’s ~~fine~~ okay, mostly. He has someone that will hear him anyway now.

**Author's Note:**

> stan stray kids


End file.
